Letting Go

Well, crazy of all crazies, Mom’s long-term care insurance approved both the in home health care and the memory care facility we have placed her in.  Now comes the hard stuff – the letting go of what was, and the full realization that her brain is sick.  She will never again be able to help me trouble shoot life’s major issues, navigate the waters of silly drama, nor remind me to be prudent when I want to do something rash.

The silly thing is, I hear her voice in those situations. I take a hike, go running, practice yoga and get quiet and her advice is there. And when I talk with her on the phone, she makes me laugh and tells me she loves me, how much she misses me. Aren’t those the important things? I have friends, mentors, and of course Voyageur who provide me with the stuff that’s missing from Mom. AND they remind me when to take risks, be adventurous, bold.

It’s a strange place to be in with Mom – she’s still there, but the depth of conversation is gone. It’s kind of like a child, the basic understandings are there, but complexities are confusing. And yet aren’t complexities confusing for all of us?

Mom is teaching me how to communicate in a different way over the phone. We express more emotion, talk less about the stuff of life. Mom reminds me what the real stuff of life is – flowers, good food, figuring out the shapes of clouds, laughter and love. When I allow the sadness and grief of losing who Mom was to wash over me I’m able to show up fully with who Mom is now. And she’s really not that different than before. Less drama, more love.

I guess it’s not that hard to let go of the rest of the stuff. It wasn’t that important anyhow.

Kickin’ it back over to you Voyageur.