Surrender to Win
Surrender to win - I heard that saying a long time ago. Didn't make sense to me for a long time, and with Mom's dementia, it makes perfect sense.
It doesn't mean to stop fighting. It means to stop fighting the ridiculous battles. The internal struggle of denial, disappointment and despair. I heard author and lecturer Marianne Williamson once say 'To lean in' - not so much to give up. Lean in to the love, understanding compassion. Give up trying to 'force' reality.
I've also learned to listen to my counter-intuitiveness. Sounds counter-intuitive huh? I thought so too. My instinct when Mom starts talking about Dad as though he is alive or the 'kids' or says something that isn't 'true', is to correct her. To tell her the 'truth'. A friend of mine told me awhile ago to enter into her world - in my mind I think of it as Alice in Wonderland. If I try to bring Mom to 'reality' she becomes confused and scared. Wonderland may be a little confusing and scary for me, but Mom shows me all the sights and introduces me to the people :)
Surrender - cease resistance. What I resist, persists. If I resist/deny dementia and its progression, it does persist and I'm rendered useless in all aspects. And resistance perpetuates exhaustion, which is a natural byproduct for caregivers of folks with dementia. So why would I want to be more exhausted than I already am??
Yesterday talking with Mom she told me how she doesn't like milk, but ice cream is a great source of calcium. These days she doesn't remember as easily which state I'm living in, what I do for work and she thinks I'm younger than I am. I gently remind her where I live, explain what I do for work, and I lean in to being whatever age she thinks I am in the moment. And I will definitely surrender to the idea of ice cream being a great source of calcium :)
Back at ya Voyageur!
It doesn't mean to stop fighting. It means to stop fighting the ridiculous battles. The internal struggle of denial, disappointment and despair. I heard author and lecturer Marianne Williamson once say 'To lean in' - not so much to give up. Lean in to the love, understanding compassion. Give up trying to 'force' reality.
I've also learned to listen to my counter-intuitiveness. Sounds counter-intuitive huh? I thought so too. My instinct when Mom starts talking about Dad as though he is alive or the 'kids' or says something that isn't 'true', is to correct her. To tell her the 'truth'. A friend of mine told me awhile ago to enter into her world - in my mind I think of it as Alice in Wonderland. If I try to bring Mom to 'reality' she becomes confused and scared. Wonderland may be a little confusing and scary for me, but Mom shows me all the sights and introduces me to the people :)
Surrender - cease resistance. What I resist, persists. If I resist/deny dementia and its progression, it does persist and I'm rendered useless in all aspects. And resistance perpetuates exhaustion, which is a natural byproduct for caregivers of folks with dementia. So why would I want to be more exhausted than I already am??
Yesterday talking with Mom she told me how she doesn't like milk, but ice cream is a great source of calcium. These days she doesn't remember as easily which state I'm living in, what I do for work and she thinks I'm younger than I am. I gently remind her where I live, explain what I do for work, and I lean in to being whatever age she thinks I am in the moment. And I will definitely surrender to the idea of ice cream being a great source of calcium :)
Back at ya Voyageur!