Finding Center in the midst of Groundhog Day

Google 'emotions to expect when caregiving for Alzheimer's'.  What you get is a variety of different websites that basically give a laundry list of what to expect...exhaustion, fatigue, overwhelming emotions...kinda sounds like puberty.  I can deal with that.  Except on blogs, I do not read about the wave of emotions.

Google 'symptoms of Alzheimer's.  The list: 'memory loss that disrupts daily life, challenges in planning or solving problems, difficulty completing familiar tasks, confusion with time or place, trouble understanding visual images and spatial relationships, new problems with words in speaking or writing, misplacing things and losing the ability to retrace steps, decreased or poor judgment, withdrawal from work or social activities, changes in mood or personality.'

Now I will tell you the truth.  Emotions will vaciliate from sadness to anger in as quickly as you read this sentence.  If you are not careful, guilt becomes your best friend.  Sleep becomes elusive at times and all encompassing in others.  Food - a stranger and then a lover.  Grief is now on steroids and at times your own memory evasive.

If you are not a person who has a physical hobby, get one fast, you will need it. I mean something that gets you moving and sweating, endorphin releasing.  For me, it's running and yoga.  Hot, power yoga to get me out of my head, into my sweaty body....the challenging poses in yoga mirror the challenging poses in life and help me find center.  Running gets me in nature and along the path, Dad guru enters my head at some point and I feel better armored to handle anything that comes my way.

If you not a person who slows down for 5 seconds, learn now, otherwise dementia will take you out.  I practice meditation, take long hikes, use different breathing techniques to slow my ass down.  Restorative yoga to bring me back to center.  Recently, I have taken up photography.  That really slows my butt down, gets my head out of the craziness of dementia and into what I see in the moment.

Friends and family.  You will need them.  Find them or make them.  Be careful not to wear them out.  Cause you will.  Luckily I have the most incredible friends and family (those who get it).  They let me go off, yell, cry, laugh.  Whatever it is that day, that moment.  If you don't have unlimited minutes, unlimited text, get it.  Now.  The phone is your friend.

The day before yesterday Mom called me.  8 times.  Each time she did not know she had called previously.  I had left the day before that.  Got on a plane, back to my place, left.  She was confused and thought I was still home or something.  Each time was another body blow.  Yeah, when I was home she was repeating herself, got easily confused where we were going next.  But calling 8 times?  Totally unexpected, scary and sad.  All in the midst of the flurry of my last couple of days packing for my move.  I took myself on a long, long walk and I snapped over 150 pictures.  Later that evening I talked with a friend and at some point I was yelling at her about my mom and this disease.  She's a good good friend, she listens and later we were laughing.

Then the big surprise.  Yesterday morning Mom calls at 7:10am.  I had finished meditation and yoga.  She sounds sleepy and groggy.  She asks me where I am.  I tell her.  I hear the disappointment in her voice.  She thought I was at yoga near home.  She woke up looking for me.  She and I talk for a bit and I help reorient her.  Tears streaming down my face.  I get off the phone and text a couple of friends 'Call me if you are awake'.  One friend calls, we talk for awhile, she listens and reminds me to journal and lets me know she is there for me.  Another friend calls, listens and reminds me that once Mom gets back into her routine, her symptoms will settle.  They may not get better, but they will settle down.

On and off the phone I cry.  I feel as though I have become a grief expert.  Through experience.  Find the time to cry.  Every day.  It will well up if you don't.  Find the time to laugh.  Every day.  The sadness will overwhelm you if you don't and laughter is a healer.  Make time for your friends and don't talk about dementia all the time with them.  Make time for you.  EVERY DAY.  Protect that time.  My time is morning and night.  Right after I wake up and right before I go to bed.

Dementia/Alzheimer's only progresses, never regresses.  At times, it may stall.  Relish those days, those moments.  Because there will be other times it will seem it's on a fast track and symptoms pop out of nowhere.  Be ready for those moments.  It's a balancing act.  Being prepared for crazy symptoms and challenging days and staying present for the preciousness and beauty of life and love.

And that's the truth about this disease.  Well, my truth as I have experienced it so far.  Back at ya Voyageur.