"It Ain't Pretty..."
After the diagnosis.....
What happened when part of my family exploded.
The day I really, honestly started to tell a couple of relatives about mom's diagnosis...I lost my naivete ~ it shattered.
My sister and I knew for a while, but we knew that we would need help, lots of it. We told her best friends first, a totally right move. They're the best, not only are they there for mom, they are there for us too. They are really second moms to us.
Then we slowly started telling extended family. Most were compassionate, offered help, called to check up on us, asked about mom - stepped up.
Others....
simply had their heads explode...
Denial is not a river in Egypt, it's the inside of someone's head screaming NO or whispering repetitively in a fetal position "No this cannot possibly be, NO!"
People close to my mother just plain lost it, in colorful language, LOUDLY at me, on the phone.
They denied ALL the symptoms, blew them off with utterly ridiculous excuses. They attacked my actions, the doctors I took her to, the diagnosis, the hospital, the CT and MRI scans, the NEUROPSYCH for crying out loud. They accused me of being adolescent, of completely not knowing what the hell I was doing. They diagnosed her from their own internet searches. THEY WERE HORRIBLE. When I fought back they hung up on me. Consistently. Multiple times. I cussed, they cussed then hung up, sometimes it was me, I couldn't take any more CRAP.
Oh. My. Gawd!
So much for help from family. We were on our own. That's the day I knew my sister and I were completely on or own - without a doubt. The yeoman's work was on us.
I'm the one that lives closest to mom. Day to day caretaking is on me. Those phone conversations confirmed it.
Understand at this point we had a conservatorship for mom (finances, bill paying etc), but it was only a partial one. I originally filed for full conservatorship, mom wanted to fight it in court. There was no way I was going to humiliate my mom in court about her deteriorating memory, so we went through mediation for a partial conservatorship. Her bill paying/money management become much worse. This summer her lawyer was granted full conservatorship. I have guardianship.
An Alzheimer's /dementia diagnosis has the potential to rip a family apart. It carries bad possibilities for all involved. Everything from who will take care of this person, how much of the caregiver's life will it disrupted/destroyed, to "Holy crap am I next??!!!!! AND "How the hell are we going to pay for all of this?" Some folks just want to toss the patient in a nursing home to forget about it or ease their own anxieties.
I've been through all of the above, so has Dreamer. Through it all we are fierce advocates for our mom. It's all about her, her safety and security.
God bless those who have full family support for they are rare indeed.
Back to you Dreamer,
Voyageur
What happened when part of my family exploded.
The day I really, honestly started to tell a couple of relatives about mom's diagnosis...I lost my naivete ~ it shattered.
My sister and I knew for a while, but we knew that we would need help, lots of it. We told her best friends first, a totally right move. They're the best, not only are they there for mom, they are there for us too. They are really second moms to us.
Then we slowly started telling extended family. Most were compassionate, offered help, called to check up on us, asked about mom - stepped up.
Others....
simply had their heads explode...
Denial is not a river in Egypt, it's the inside of someone's head screaming NO or whispering repetitively in a fetal position "No this cannot possibly be, NO!"
People close to my mother just plain lost it, in colorful language, LOUDLY at me, on the phone.
They denied ALL the symptoms, blew them off with utterly ridiculous excuses. They attacked my actions, the doctors I took her to, the diagnosis, the hospital, the CT and MRI scans, the NEUROPSYCH for crying out loud. They accused me of being adolescent, of completely not knowing what the hell I was doing. They diagnosed her from their own internet searches. THEY WERE HORRIBLE. When I fought back they hung up on me. Consistently. Multiple times. I cussed, they cussed then hung up, sometimes it was me, I couldn't take any more CRAP.
Oh. My. Gawd!
So much for help from family. We were on our own. That's the day I knew my sister and I were completely on or own - without a doubt. The yeoman's work was on us.
I'm the one that lives closest to mom. Day to day caretaking is on me. Those phone conversations confirmed it.
Understand at this point we had a conservatorship for mom (finances, bill paying etc), but it was only a partial one. I originally filed for full conservatorship, mom wanted to fight it in court. There was no way I was going to humiliate my mom in court about her deteriorating memory, so we went through mediation for a partial conservatorship. Her bill paying/money management become much worse. This summer her lawyer was granted full conservatorship. I have guardianship.
An Alzheimer's /dementia diagnosis has the potential to rip a family apart. It carries bad possibilities for all involved. Everything from who will take care of this person, how much of the caregiver's life will it disrupted/destroyed, to "Holy crap am I next??!!!!! AND "How the hell are we going to pay for all of this?" Some folks just want to toss the patient in a nursing home to forget about it or ease their own anxieties.
I've been through all of the above, so has Dreamer. Through it all we are fierce advocates for our mom. It's all about her, her safety and security.
God bless those who have full family support for they are rare indeed.
Back to you Dreamer,
Voyageur