Now What. Feelings and Advocacy
Probate Court closed on the estate. I received a letter of completion our lawyer submitted to the court.
My responsibility to my mom is legally over. I'm feeling an odd, cautious sense of relief. My time is more my own than it's been in 10 years. No more paperwork, red tape, phone call rabbit holes, a searing sense of urgency. Anxiety and self doubt are ebbing. My brain is uncramping. I breathe better. I also feel some guilt that I feel relieved, it's to be expected I suppose.
My anger is becoming a passion for deeper advocacy. Now I can be a better advocate for ALL of our loved ones who have any kind of dementia. It's part of my next chapter and I started it last week.
As I closed mom's trust account I spoke with a bank manager about how difficult is was to begin to manage her money. My sister knew something was wrong with mom's money because mom put my sister on her checking account after my dad died. Checks were bouncing. But we couldn't see her savings or other accounts to help her.
Mom had an end of life packet drawn up by her lawyer: patient advocate designation, DNR, will, living trust, and Durable Power of Attorney papers, long term care insurance (which came into question too). She did all the right things. Yet when we approached her bank with the DPA and two letters from two different specialists stating that she had Frontotemporal Dementia and could not manage her finances, it wasn't enough proof for the bank and we were denied access to her accounts. They told us we needed to apply for conservatorship through probate court, which blew up into an even bigger mess.
I understand that the bank has a policy in place to protect it's customers. But what we went through wasn't helpful and prolonged her inappropriate dementia spending. That policy made things worse not better. She lost money because we could not spare her from her disease. It was
This policy is the kind of thing I want to change. Clients/customers need protection from fraud, sometimes from themselves. We need a better balance I told the bank manager.
And while I'm talking about banks...in our case there was a MAJOR disconnect between whatever management team was communicating with our 3rd party conservator and their call center. If there was an issue with the conservator about an home equity line of credit payment, they didn't contact the conservator, they CALLED MY MOM and threatened to foreclose on her house. They sent those scary yellow telegram letters to her house threatening to foreclose on her house. That's upsetting to a healthy person. To someone with dementia, it's a huge existential threat that threw my mom into crying fits and calling me in utter despair begging me to please, please fix it. These calls actually made her sicker. I would spend whole days calming her while I tried to connect the conservator to the right person at the bank. It was insanity. I asked the bank manager to talk to his bosses about this. Not sure if it will do any good, but he's not the only one I'll speak to about this.
We as caregivers have to deal with the day to day realities of our loved ones living with Alzheimer's/Dementia while we search for a cure. Chewing gum and walking at the same time needs to get easier.