We Both KNOW IT.

My sister, Mom and I have a saying "Mom's not stupid, she just has dementia!"

But we KNOW it.  The IT being the ever increasing dependency and the awkwardness, the sadness, the unease it brings.  NO ONE wants to be that person.  The person who forgets the hows of living.  The person who can no longer drive and needs the kindness or feelings of obligation of people to maneuver, manager daily life.  Someone who has been so fiercely independent all her adult life, who saved and made responsible choices is now suddenly failing at simple living tasks, and she KNOWS IT.

And it makes me sad.

 Then Mom knows I'm sad and she can't bear that, so she tries to make me laugh.  Most times it works, sometimes it doesn't. 

Today we bought laundry detergent at the grocery store, and when we got home I took it downstairs to the laundry room.  I opened the washing machine.  It's becoming more common for her to start a load of laundry and forget it in the washer, leaving it to get mildewy - so I check for her.  She washed a rug from the main floor half bath.  It had a small rip along the edging seam before she washed it.  Now it was ripped down one whole side.The rubber matting on the bottom had dried up and pilled, half of it rolling around in little beads along the bottom of the washing machine basket. I quietly walked upstairs, got the vacuum, and sucked up all the little rubber backing pills in the washer.  I didn't want her to know, but you can't  hide the sound of a vacuum cleaner.  She came downstairs:"What are you doing?"  I explained it to her.  And she just kind of 'm broke out into "I'm so sorrys".  I tried SO hard not to cry.  We both KNEW IT.  The IT.  The "I'm losing it aren't I?" moment. 

Same thing with the sugar we bought last week.  She couldn't find it, so of course she just didn't have it.  When I found it in an easy spot - same moment.  The "Why didn't I see/find it that moment?"  The oh crap I'm losing it moments  Those are the moments that will rip your heart out and feed it back to you.  The increased dependency, the embarrassment, the loss of dignity, feelings of helplessness.  The unstopablity, the inevitability,  The slipping away of being able to do for yourself.  The burdensome feeling.  The heft of all of these emotions, the weight of it all is what the sadness is. 

I won't lie, I cried all the way home AND through gassing up my car.  But I carry on, somehow.
 
We wade through it all - together.  Hand in hand, the only way we know how, trying to make a brighter day for each other.  With laughter, and the thought of the ever discussed, but not had, shot and a beer.

Gotta get through this crap somehow....

Voyageur