Family Denial
Family Meetings...
Today I share a frustration with you, and I'm sitting here wishing I had an answer for all of us.
Denial, family denial of the diagnosis.
Family members know something is "a little off", not quite right with your loved one. You know something is horribly wrong, and you've done your very best to find out what it is. You've doubted yourself at some point in the process, but you know. In your heart, you know the diagnosis is true.
You're scared, overwhelmed. You might not know about resources yet.
So you tell the rest of the family. It's suggested you do this at a family meeting. Fine if you have a well functioning family! Not always possible depending on the timing and who lives how far away. Or family dynamics. Not everyone plays nice with each other, especially when it's not a polite social setting and things are most certainly NOT normal.
Me, I armed myself with PLENTY of written information about Frontotemporal Dementia, mom's first diagnosis. Copied the ENTIRE packet the doctor gave me for family members. Wanted them to hear about this from me, mom's eldest, the one who took her to a whole summer's worth of doctor appointments. The family had been pestering me "What's wrong with (your) mom?" "You should get her to a doctor..." I did. I mailed the packets....made the phone calls.
They freaked out, ALL of them, one by one, on the phone with me. A family meeting would have been a clusterfuck. Roughly two thirds of them had the compassionate "oh that's too bad" what can we do response. The others, immediate, complete DENIAL. They either read the packets and thought it was all medical claptrap bullshit or they did not read them at all. SERIOUSLY! They turned into people I had not seen before, people I suddenly did not know at all. Not only had my mom morphed, but so did some of the people I thought would help me.
My reaction..."Aw fuck me!" REALLY?! REALLY PEOPLE? I need help and you do this?!
This is why I have a bone to pick with some of the well intentioned platitudes out there in the caregiver community. Not everyone has a wonderful family. Or people have parts of a wonderful family and they are the people you want on your team but they are far way or less able to help than you'd like/need. Or you're an only child of an only child. Or....or....the friends of your loved one...ARE ELDERLY TOO.
Life isn't "The Brady Bunch". We need to lend each other a helmet and a cup every now and then. We need a strategy for dealing with deniers. Mine right now is just "Help me or get the hell out of my way - NOW!" It's not always good enough. Sometimes I need the enforcer - mom's lawyer (conservator).
Keeping all this in mind, here is a great page for handling a family meeting, if you have a decent family...
http://www.alzinfo.org/09/blogs/battling-denial-alzheimers
Voyageur
Today I share a frustration with you, and I'm sitting here wishing I had an answer for all of us.
Denial, family denial of the diagnosis.
Family members know something is "a little off", not quite right with your loved one. You know something is horribly wrong, and you've done your very best to find out what it is. You've doubted yourself at some point in the process, but you know. In your heart, you know the diagnosis is true.
You're scared, overwhelmed. You might not know about resources yet.
So you tell the rest of the family. It's suggested you do this at a family meeting. Fine if you have a well functioning family! Not always possible depending on the timing and who lives how far away. Or family dynamics. Not everyone plays nice with each other, especially when it's not a polite social setting and things are most certainly NOT normal.
Me, I armed myself with PLENTY of written information about Frontotemporal Dementia, mom's first diagnosis. Copied the ENTIRE packet the doctor gave me for family members. Wanted them to hear about this from me, mom's eldest, the one who took her to a whole summer's worth of doctor appointments. The family had been pestering me "What's wrong with (your) mom?" "You should get her to a doctor..." I did. I mailed the packets....made the phone calls.
They freaked out, ALL of them, one by one, on the phone with me. A family meeting would have been a clusterfuck. Roughly two thirds of them had the compassionate "oh that's too bad" what can we do response. The others, immediate, complete DENIAL. They either read the packets and thought it was all medical claptrap bullshit or they did not read them at all. SERIOUSLY! They turned into people I had not seen before, people I suddenly did not know at all. Not only had my mom morphed, but so did some of the people I thought would help me.
My reaction..."Aw fuck me!" REALLY?! REALLY PEOPLE? I need help and you do this?!
This is why I have a bone to pick with some of the well intentioned platitudes out there in the caregiver community. Not everyone has a wonderful family. Or people have parts of a wonderful family and they are the people you want on your team but they are far way or less able to help than you'd like/need. Or you're an only child of an only child. Or....or....the friends of your loved one...ARE ELDERLY TOO.
Life isn't "The Brady Bunch". We need to lend each other a helmet and a cup every now and then. We need a strategy for dealing with deniers. Mine right now is just "Help me or get the hell out of my way - NOW!" It's not always good enough. Sometimes I need the enforcer - mom's lawyer (conservator).
Keeping all this in mind, here is a great page for handling a family meeting, if you have a decent family...
http://www.alzinfo.org/09/blogs/battling-denial-alzheimers
Voyageur