I Wonder What She's Thinking

There are days when mom is so lucid, you'd never know she has dementia.  Those days are joyous in the moment and cherished, clung to.  Those are the moments we have our mother back, very often right when we need her.

But it's in the days she struggles that I wonder what she's thinking.  And then I get scared for her.  I can hear it in the questions she asks me over and over again, the panic and frustration at herself in her voice; the sense that she is lost.  I take her hand and gently guide her around the holes in her thinking, the daily operating memory that has vanished.  Sometimes it's only gone for a day - her memory loss feels like a power brown out, kinda there, but not full strength, back for a while, then gone again.

As for what she remembers...it seemed a bit random at first, then I began to notice a couple of patterns.

Often newest memories are the first to go.  Her sister's grandkids names and relationships to her sister (they are young, under 7 years old and she doesn't see them regularly).

If it's something that was emotionally charged - good or bad- it's a stronger memory.

Sometimes you can see her trying to burn the experience into her brain, she fights to hold on to her memory I think.  I feel that she fights hard to maintain her memory, her faculties for her children, for us.  Because at her core she is our mother and she will do whatever it takes to be there for us, to teach us to live with dignity no matter the infirmity.  To teach us that ultimately life boils down to love and taking care of one another, to take care of your kids as they struggle to care of you.
She thinks of love, and us.

Back to you sis
Voyageur