Fierce Advocate...or what the hell is Daughterhood

Everyone talks about motherhood and what it means to be a mom, but there are no New York Times Bestsellers for daughterhood.

Mom, a blunt lady, has been a fierce advocate for her kids.  After we, as a family, had moved from the city to the suburbs, she would leave her office and come home when I would leave early from school, and read to me The Lord of the Rings (my favorite book, not hers).  When I came out as a lesbian, she and dad found their way to a PFLAG meeting (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays).  She left her church when the minister began preaching ‘gays were going to hell’ and let them know why she was leaving.  She’s always told me she was proud of me.  I never questioned her love for me. 

Now I am in the position of having to be her advocate, in all things.  Financially  - as she no longer has the skills to make smart savvy decisions and banks have silly rules that think they are protecting the consumer but not when someone has dementia.  Medically – when her general practitioners don’t want to see that she has dementia and she takes me off the HIPPA form for some aberrant reason.  Spiritually – to remind her of her usefulness and place in people’s lives and hearts.

There may be books to talk about the mechanics of daughterhood or being a patient advocate or durable power of attorney, but I have yet to find something that describes how to finesse conversations with bank managers, doctors or even when the people who are close begin to behave like criminals or act selfishly.  And all the while trying to maintain her dignity and independence. 

Fierce.    If we are not fierce for her, the system and the disease will swallow her whole.  Dementia…no one wants to talk about it, institutions would rather explain away their bureaucratic rules.  Doctors who have seen her for years and are up in age themselves, maybe afraid to ‘lose’ their patient.  People who are close are scared of the progression of dementia or maybe having it themselves, do or say foolish things.

Fierce.  Now it’s become our job to educate these silly folk and ourselves.  To take care of her in a way we’ve never been taught.  We learn as we go along, like motherhood.  We try one way, it works or not, and we move on to the next.  And at times it is similar to taking care of a child – Voyageur says sometimes it’s like chasing a 2 year old with a tiki torch. 

For mom, there are no rules.  We create new ones for her.  Ice cream every night and sometimes for dinner.   Fierce daughterhood, it can look strange from the outside, but feels good on the inside.