How Do I Know?

A question asked more than twice.

Subtle oddities.

A feeling that something is a wee bit off, hinky.

Things that make you question if you saw that right.

For as long as I can remember my mom always started her day with a cup of black coffee. It's an image that is lovingly burned into my brain. No words from her as she walked into the kitchen, eyes half open as she filled the percolator with water.  Morning quiet filled the kitchen while she measured coffee into the metal basket. If you spoke before that first cup all you got was side-eye from her. She would lean against the counter while the coffee percolated in that tall Corningware Blue Cornflower pot. She'd light a cigarette from the stove burner and wait in silence. After a couple of sips, it was officially the start of a new day.

I am weirdly like her in that regard. No talking until coffee.

Late one Saturday morning I go to mom's place, she asked me if I'd like some coffee. Usually, if mom asks you if you'd like something, she'd be the one to make it. She's watching tv and tells me to go ahead and make a pot, she'll have some too. A bit odd, but not enough to question it and since I was in the kitchen already, no problem.

Seeing there is about a quarter pot left, but the coffee maker was off, I figured it was an old pot.  I pour it done the drain, wash the pot out. I pull out the insert where you put the coffee grounds and there are some already there...moldy. Really moldy.  That was so unlike her. She always cleaned up after herself in the kitchen, always. I never knew a time when she didn't. And she had coffee every day, I thought. Odd.

Then it dawns on me as I'm cleaning out the coffee grounds: she's forgotten how to make coffee.

I stopped breathing, unwillingly teared up at the thought of her forgetting how to make coffee. It was so damn sad. Small things were changing quickly and piling up. Suck it up, just suck it up, she can't see me crying. Crying was for later, in the car, pulled over in a parking lot on the way home. Right then I had to smile and get Diet Cokes (her favorite) for us. Just be with her and roll with it.

How do you know? Small moments that hit your heart like a ton of bricks.