Grief and Gratitude

Wow, I didn't realize it's been a few months since our last post.  I kept writing blog posts in my head, but couldn't bring myself to the blog.

14 months now since she's gone. So much has changed in research, awareness since her death. Life

And I miss her. I miss my daily conversations with her. I miss her unstoppable upbeat attitude, her desire to make me laugh, her eye for color and beauty. Even in the haze of dementia.

Recently, I've started taking pictures of flowers with my iPhone. Closeups. I can feel Mom's presence when I take the photos and when I post on Instagram and Facebook.

There's this thing about grief, it brings me to gratitude. Not right away, but always takes me there. But only if I allow myself to feel the grief. Our society is strange in the way it shuns grief. You get a week off work if it was an immediate family member, maybe a couple of days if a friend or extended family. And then there are no markers, rituals or traditions unless your religion has traditions to acknowledge passage of time.

And experiencing grief while your loved one is alive and the disease progressing? No rituals, traditions in place. Except to grieve silently, alone. Then when Mom died, all the unexpressed grief came bubbling to the surface. Not right away mind you, cause the body and mind goes into shock initially. At least, that's how it was for me.

So when the grief surfaced, I had to find ways to let it out. Yoga, hiking, writing and photography have been wonderful outlets - and of course tears. Running has always helped too, but I haven't run since she died. Or gone to my favorite place to run, an open space preserve in the Santa Cruz mountains. I can't really tell you why, I just haven't.  Until this past week.

The other day, I took myself there and went hiking for an hour. The dusty trails and smells of pine and spring feel like home. The plan is to go running next weekend.

And the gratitude? Although I miss her like crazy, miss her voice, her silliness and laugh, her advice and her love, I know she is with me. And I'm so so grateful I had a mom who would give me her advice and opinion, even if I thought it was shit (in the moment), she always wanted the best for me. She celebrated my victories with me, gave me a shoulder to cry on and some ice cream in defeat and setback, always showed up for me and always let me know she loved me, even in the hardest of times. I'm so incredibly blessed to have had her in my life. Sadness and grief will always bring me to laughter and gratitude cause she wouldn't have had it any other way.

Back at ya sis! :)