Still in Shock
First off, thank you, thank you! We have hit over 40,000 page views! Also, I apologize for being gone for so long. Just as no one prepares you for what it's like to take care of someone with Alzheimer's, no one prepares you for the death of your mother.
When I went home early January, the day my mom died, a good friend asked me how I was doing. And I said, "remarkably, I'm kinda ok." And she said "shock is a wonderful thing."
I was in shock until end of August, early September. I still kinda am. Every time I write my mom is dead, it's almost as if I'm writing a piece of fiction. Quite similar to when she was alive and living with dementia. And especially when it was time to move her in to a memory care facility. Mom kept trying to bargain with me and my sister. She would do whatever it took to stay in her home.
Some of the things Voyageur and I did not write about a few months and leading up to Mom's wandering - her hallucinations of people she saw - kids and our dad, who would get lost and she needed to find; her agitation and confusion; her confusion of everyday household items and their use; her straightening and restraightening of the house and then misplacing items, some in bizarre locations; her not putting food away in containers or covered in the refrigerator and freezer and then the food spoiling. And the wandering was the scariest. Cause in February of 2013, she was fast and determined to take care of herself. When the police called me that night, I had never been more scared. And we were lucky because they found her in less than an hour. After midnight, in the cold without a winter coat. Mom always bought me winter coats that had hoods and covered my butt :)
Thing is, Mom never meant to do these things. And if she knew, and sometimes she did, she would be embarrassed. What this disease taught me, is a deeper sense of compassion and love. How to communicate better, how to live in the moment, how to forgive faster and move on, To always say what I mean and say what's in my heart, cause you don't know what tomorrow brings, hell even later today.
I miss the crap out of her, even in her sickest moments. She loved Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas were her favorite holidays. She loved cooking, shopping - buying those special presents, spending time with family and friends and loved her family with her whole heart. Ok, I think I'm done being sappy - kickin' it back over to you sis :)
When I went home early January, the day my mom died, a good friend asked me how I was doing. And I said, "remarkably, I'm kinda ok." And she said "shock is a wonderful thing."
I was in shock until end of August, early September. I still kinda am. Every time I write my mom is dead, it's almost as if I'm writing a piece of fiction. Quite similar to when she was alive and living with dementia. And especially when it was time to move her in to a memory care facility. Mom kept trying to bargain with me and my sister. She would do whatever it took to stay in her home.
Some of the things Voyageur and I did not write about a few months and leading up to Mom's wandering - her hallucinations of people she saw - kids and our dad, who would get lost and she needed to find; her agitation and confusion; her confusion of everyday household items and their use; her straightening and restraightening of the house and then misplacing items, some in bizarre locations; her not putting food away in containers or covered in the refrigerator and freezer and then the food spoiling. And the wandering was the scariest. Cause in February of 2013, she was fast and determined to take care of herself. When the police called me that night, I had never been more scared. And we were lucky because they found her in less than an hour. After midnight, in the cold without a winter coat. Mom always bought me winter coats that had hoods and covered my butt :)
Thing is, Mom never meant to do these things. And if she knew, and sometimes she did, she would be embarrassed. What this disease taught me, is a deeper sense of compassion and love. How to communicate better, how to live in the moment, how to forgive faster and move on, To always say what I mean and say what's in my heart, cause you don't know what tomorrow brings, hell even later today.
I miss the crap out of her, even in her sickest moments. She loved Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas were her favorite holidays. She loved cooking, shopping - buying those special presents, spending time with family and friends and loved her family with her whole heart. Ok, I think I'm done being sappy - kickin' it back over to you sis :)