No Regrets
The holidays are definitely an interesting time of year with dementia. This year, Mom was having difficulty walking, and my sister took her to the hospital. Only to find a gall stone and an urinary tract infection. Both of which can be treated with medication, no surgery, yay :)
The doctors also noticed her liver enzymes were elevated, they ran an MRI and found abnormalities and did a biopsy. Today, on Christmas Eve. Lovely. My sister has spent 2 nights in the hospital, sleeping in Mom's room and in the family waiting room.
I am 2,500 miles away, feeling feelings and not able to help out.
I wrote the above a couple of days ago. Since then, Mom had a chest CT scan, and there is a tumor in her lung, and she has multiple enlarged lymph nodes. Doctors have said she has lung cancer that has spread to her liver. We are still waiting for the liver biopsy results. Mom has moved back to the memory care facility and we have started hospice care.
How do I feel. Incredibly sad. Pissed off. and relieved. I am no longer worried about whether or not Mom's long term care money will hold out along with her investments. I know it will now. This horrific disease of Alzheimer's will not take her out, cancer will. Hopefully, we will be able to manage her pain and she will be relatively comfortable and happy. Hopefully her memory will hold the rest of her life. I hope to see her again, but if that doesn't happen, I have no regrets. I was home for two months for work and was able to spend time with her. Laugh. Hold her hand. Put my head on her shoulder. Be her daughter. Say I love you.
Through the love and wisdom of friends, I am realizing (again) there are no shoulds in feelings. Just feelings. Feeling relief that she will have money until the end of her days, relief that the dementia won't whittle her brain down to a toothpick, relief that her illness won't be drawn out until we are wrung out of emotion. Knowing that she will be with Dad in that great white castle (that's how I sometimes think about the afterlife).
One of the things we are not taught in school (or hell, anywhere) is that when dealing with chronic illness, that the caregivers feel it in their bodies, in our bones, our souls. I have a daily reminder on my phone to call Mom, cause there is a 3 hour time difference and in the memory care facility, there are many activities. So I try to call when there is down time. Some days I am in the middle of work or a meeting, so I have to call later. When I call, the front desk person puts me on hold and I get to hear about all the services they offer - constant reminder of where she is and why she is there. Like a punch in the gut.
With the diagnosis of cancer, my heart again breaks, but this time there is no punch. When we got the diagnosis of frontal temporal dementia and then Alzheimer's, it was a massive punch in the gut and it took my breath away. I've been trying to catch my breath ever since. When I heard lung cancer, I exhaled.
Mom gave me a card a few years back. "When life hands you lemons, make lemon meringue pie." Sooo Mom :) Looks like we will be making alot of pies.
Our days here are numbered. Mom and Dad told me that long ago. Live life fully. Love with your whole heart. Live with no regrets.
Back at ya Voyageur