Don't Give Up On Me

Winters are difficult for my mom.  Just observationally, it seems her disease progresses more quickly in the winter.  Her Sun downers is far  more pronounced during the shorter days, she confuses more easily, she gets bored and cranky being in the house and not outside...it's just worse in winter.

Knowing this, I arranged for home health care for her last fall, hoping she'd become accustomed to it by winter, providing more support for her when she needed it. Cleaning, companionship, an eyeball on her when I'm not there...

No so much.

Mom tries to get out of this arrangement: telling the caregiver "I won't tell anyone, you can leave now, it's ok.", bribing her with food to leave...of course they don't.  And I get a phone call from the service letting me know what's taking place.  Then I call mom and try my damnedest to explain why this person is not leaving until the appropriate time. ARG.  Argumentative tug of war.  She insists she doesn't need "help" or the company of a stranger; all the while I'm watching her get sicker,  hallucinations increasing, her house needing more cleaning than I can comfortably handle.  Every time I try to do something qualitative to really help her she fights me on it.  She is certainly not going quietly into any kind of night thank you very much.

After our latest caregiver tug of war she said to me "Don't give up on me.  I'm OK."  Totally humbled and understanding her need for dignity and respect, I promised not to give up on her.  It's a difficult balance: trying to keep her both safe and independent for as long as I can.  She's not so sick that she's completely lost and compliant - she's fighting for her sanity and control of her life every day - being sick and not sick all at once.  Having pieces of it make sense and not sense, knowing something is wrong and trying to work around it.

I can't give up on her. But I have to keep her safe.  We're now through the looking glass and I can't give up.

Back at you Dreamer.