Sunny Side Is Hard To Find Today
The January Michigan gray skies and mom's symptoms are weighing on me lately. This week has felt like Ground Hog Day to me; hampster wheel-ish. Some of it is just me and January, some of it is mom.
She's seeing dad around the house. Is it hallucinating? I'm not sure. Whatever it is, she's ok seeing him with her, I think it's comforting. She gets spooked when she goes in another room from where he is, comes back and he's gone. She thinks he's wandered off in the dark and gotten lost. It's happening more frequently now but it's erratic. The last two times she said he was unconscious or gravely ill.
Then I get the pleasant task of figuring out what to tell her. It breaks my heart, every damned time.
I can't have her calling 911, so I gently tell her the truth trying not to cry myself.
I tell her dad is ok, he's not in pain. He's in heaven looking out for her and he loves her very much.
Then we both realize dad's dead, she misses him deeply, and...she's seeing things. The seeing things doesn't bother either one of us. I'd rather she hallucinate dad then anything else. It's the fact that he's gone that hurts the most. She really does know he's gone, but it's as if her heart can't accept it. I know at some point I'll have to jump into the waterfall and just tell her he's fine and right next to her. I don't know if I should have already done that. If I do that, will she fight me on it and insist on the way she's seeing it and how do I deal with THAT?
Then there's her realization that she can't drive, she isn't handling her own money, she's dependent on other people to get around. She looked at me the other day crying, saying "I used to have a life." My heart shattered for her. This is where I get furious with the family members who've freaked out and dropped out. They could help me piece back together a life for her and they won't. It's up to me. So, I'm doing the best I can. And mom has some suggestions - that's really helpful.
The others can kiss my hard working, much loving, tired ass.