Being There

At times I struggle being the long distance caregiver.  There are days Mom says if I don't like it where I am, I can always come home.  Stay with her.  I love my job, where I live.  However, some days I entertain those thoughts.  Maybe I should quit my job, move back home with my mom.  I would have no bills, I could be a barista at Starbucks.  Hmmm.

Then there are mornings like yesterday.  As I was walking to the grocery store, I called Mom.  We were having our usual small talk, it's great to talk with you conversation.  Then she asks me for my new address.  Again.  She's asked for it the previous two days.  I give it to her cheerfully.  A couple of minutes later she asks.  Again.  I give it to her cheerfully.  Again.  Now I'm in the grocery store and can't find the cat food.  I have been awake for a whole half hour, sans food or coffee.  She asks for my address.  Again.    Now I'm agitated, not with her, with everything.  Not finding the cat food, the disease chipping at her brain, the same question in a few short moments.  With zero recollection of having asked it before.  I'm done, patience gone.  I try to act normal, Mom picks up on it, says it's ok, we can talk later.

And then that feeling of moving back went away.  It's the small, day to day stuff that will kill me.  For me, it's too hard.  Voyageur and I really like our set up.  We are best suited for our roles.  She's boots on the ground, triage, deal with the day to day stuff.  I'm research, remind everyone to keep it light, big picture, make advance phone calls stuff.  Our system works well.  We talk pretty much daily to check in, see how Mom is, how each other is, trouble shoot when needed, update and just be silly sisters.  And if I want, I can still be a Starbucks barista :)

Back at ya sis.