Magical Thinking

Yesterday was one of those days where I really missed Dad.  I used to joke with him that he was the archetype Yoda.  He was a short guy (I take after him there too), with steely blue eyes and a whimsical smile.  And incredibly wise words would fall out of his mouth.  'Turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.'  'The impossible just takes a little longer.'  I need some silly PollyAnna saying for Mom and her demented brain.

Yesterday she called three times in as many hours, each time not realizing she had called before.  The first time was a little after 3pm and she was eating her shrimp dinner, asking me if I was eating shrimp too.  She called around 4pm, talking as if it was the first time we talked today.  Then she called at 5:30, thinking it was 8ish or so and time to go to bed.  I was at work all three times, not really having time to talk, knowing she was lonely.  But I gave her some time anyhow.

Every time I picked up the phone, I hoped she was calling to say how excited she was I was coming home for Thanksgiving.  Or that a miracle happened and she was cured, or it was all a big mistake, or maybe I had been dreaming all this time.  You know that thinking.  The thinking of a child where if I concentrate hard enough, I can change what's happening.  Make it all different.  A fairy tale ending.  It happens sometimes.  Why not this?

I heard Dad's voice in my head.  'There will be a fairy tale ending.  Just not the one you were expecting.  Listen to your Mom.  Learn from her.  Stop making everything so complicated.  Life is simple.  Not easy, simple.  We breathe, we live, go to work, love deeply and die.

Grieve when you need.  But spend time with your Mom.  Be with her, right where she is.  Share what's going on in your life.  Laugh with her.  Enjoy each moment with her.  You may not know when it's the last.  Make lemonade out of these lemons, hon.'

And if his voice doesn't pop into my head, there's always Grey's Anatomy - Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is.  Appreciating small victories.  Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know.  And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know.  At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. 

Today, I'm grateful to have his voice in my head.  Magical thinking, maybe I did change what's happening.

Back at ya Voyageur.