Coming home...Again

Now the healing begins. That's what my doctor said. 6 weeks ago my gallbladder was operating at 20%, today 100%. And he said now that it's functioning at full capacity, my body's healing begins.

It's been 5 years since my mom passed, 10 years since she was diagnosed and 13 years since we noticed something wasn't quite right with Mom.

5 years since she's gone. The panic attacks that I used to experience frequently during mom's illness subsided a few years ago.

The above I wrote a couple of months ago. I haven't written in this blog for a couple of years. Ok more than a couple of years - my last post was November 2015. Shit Chris. I was the one who came up with the blog idea, who would poke my sister incessantly to write/to post.

Honestly, even though I knew it wouldn't have made a difference, I had so much regret about not moving back to help my mom. To help my sister. Every time I tried to write, the words got choked in my throat.

I was not prepared for how much I would miss my mom. How much I relied on her for advice - even in the midst of her dementia. How much I would miss her laughter and constant reminder to not take everything so fucking seriously.

I moved back to Michigan a couple of years ago and really until yesterday I couldn't 100% for sure tell you why. I moved back to heal - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically. A few months back I started seeing a nutritionist. My body over the past few years had been whispering the problems stress and the unexpressed sadness was taking. And then started yelling, and I had no choice but to listen. As I've been changing some dietary habits, taking supplements, slowing down some, my heart has started to heal.

I couldn't have made Mom any better if I had moved back, in fact, she and I would have argued - that I'm sure. My mom had this mom superpower over me - she was my mom and in my mind always right. So if she wanted something, in the end I would give in. As a caregiver, you can't always give in - in fact often as a caregiver need to have things go your way. I was not good at that (read previous posts about my grocery shopping with her and giving in to her purchasing magazines, multiple gallons of ice cream, etc :) )

She needed me to be her daughter, not another caregiver. I was the steady to the craziness of her dementia. She needed for something to be normal. And I needed to be the caregiver who was able to handle the logistics, the finances - and for me, I couldn't have done that while trying to handle the day to day caregiving.

And my healing really has begun - yesterday my sister and I spent the day together going over slides, photos and ideas for the next phase of our storytelling.

The majority of our photos growing up are on slides. So my sister brings over the slide projector and the slides. It takes me a few minutes to figure out the slide projector. I literally screamed with glee when I figured it out! We spent the next few hours giggling, laughing and reminiscing.

Going over those photos the only word that kept coming to mind was love. So much love growing up and so much love in my lifetime with my mom, my dad. And yes even my sister :)

These past couple of years I have been watching the sunrise over a lake. I live across the street from a lake. Mom would have loved it. She loved the water so much - hanging out on the beach, walking the beach. The healing sound of the waves. I talk with her often, even seeking her advice. And if I'm quiet enough, I can hear her answer in the waves.